Journey
by cosmophilia
Summary: "When you stay in a place for so long, that thoughts of your home run obsolete from your mind, won't you grow attached to what you have somehow?" Recollections in Sovngarde. Dragonborn-centric.


_Life never truly ends. Death is just a passage from one form to the next._

\- Frea, Shaman to the Skaal people of Solstheim

* * *

 **Journey**

* * *

It had been years.

No, maybe months.

Perhaps a span of a few days.

Or maybe it has just been hours?

In here, you'll never know. Why, it could just be seconds still and it is your heavy anticipation that wrings out the wait. But there's no way to be sure, that much is true. In a hall full of joy, of songs and mead, time is of no importance until a newcomer walks through those doors, with armor even I've not seen or heard of... which has yet to come.

 _'Means the world outside hasn't changed much, I think.'_

In here, all that's necessary to live in Nirn━sleep, for instance, becomes irrelevant. I've wandered the never-ending halls and nobody ever frequents the sleeping quarters... unless of course when one or two or more has had enough mead for the day and intoxication gives way to... well, I'm sure you have an idea. But nobody's ever stayed for long, that once they're convinced they've _slept off_ the mead, into the Hall of Valor they go back to, and the cycle would continue on.

I've only been here for some _time_ and the process has lost its charm on me; what more for the people who has been here longer than I am?

"Time passes by here to us, like life passes by a butterfly newly hatched," Jurgen Windcaller once told me, when I joined him in meditation once.

We sat on the hill overlooking the Whalebone bridge, giving an unrestricted view of the swirling heavens above.

"A beauty, is it not?" He asked, tilting his head to where I stare up now. "Lore suggests those who died a worthy death will see this before they breathe their last, and after, for they are welcomed in Sovngarde. Some say this will be the first you see as well, before seeing the faces of your parents."

"Do you speak of reincarnation?"

A thin smile stretched across his upturned face. "Alas I cannot prove this to you, child. You once told me I have been dead for centuries before you entered the Hall. Yet, here I am."

"Here you are..." I found myself echoing.

"Perhaps we'll fight another battle, someday," He concluded, before raising himself up. "It is up to Shor to call us down for battles that we're meant to fight."

Once more, he looked up, "After all, there's only so much waiting an old man can endure."

I tore my gaze from the heavens and looked at the man beside me. Battle-worn, yes, but I think there's more to battle that wears him down. Be it the waiting, memories, or another thing altogether, my wish is that it will set him free, and allow him the peace he so sought after the Battle at the Red Mountain.

And that it happens sooner.

* * *

It happened so fast.

Kodlak Whitemane was telling a joke in front of the hearth, and laughter roared around the Hall, when suddenly, the old man vanished.

Yet the laughter continued on, as though nothing happened.

I sat, bewildered. _'Am I the only one who witnessed this?'_

Turning to Gormlaith shaking in mirth beside me, I chanced upon catching the eye of Ysgramor, who sat at the high table. He gave a subtle shake of his head, eyes closing to indicate the severity of it.

For a second I sat, mouth agape, until I found my feet and quickly shuffled out the Hall.

Atop the hill, gazing up at the heavens once more, I heard the distinct crunch of the ground under one's feet.

"Seems to me your mentor has found another battle he ought to fight."

"Indeed he has."

"It is an honor."

I nodded. "It is an honor."

A hand squeezed my shoulder, both gentle and firm, a silent offer of sympathy.

It was not until the resounding silence around that almost suffocated me, that I acknowledged these are my tears streaming down, not that of the heavens.

* * *

Valerica looked the same as she ever was when I went to visit her. Hair pulled back taut, every step accounted for, it all betrayed the neat, perfectionist mage she is. And a powerful one at that.

We sat on the broken remains of a tower just outside her self-imposed prison, each of us nursing tea I've brought from the Hall. Soul Cairn still looked as desolate as ever, but it is a welcome change in scenery.

"I doubt you're here for a social call," the vampire spoke after a sip of her cup, "and I moreso doubt you're here to enjoy the view."

I exhaled a breath I didn't know I held, and shook my head. "No, I am not."

"I have forever to wait until you decide to become more talkative, you know that."

I took a sip of my tea to stall━lest I allow myself to stumble over the words I want to say, or ask.

"Harkon has been dead for a long time, why do you still reside here?"

"Reside?" She snorted, "I do not. I returned to the castle a day after you informed me."

"Serana is━"

"She is well," she said, giving me the side-eye, "and has been asking when you can get off your high horse to visit. You know she loathes this place."

"Why are you still here, though?"

"A force of habit?" she paused, looking at the fortress she sought refuge in for years to count. "When you stay in a place for so long, that thoughts of your home run obsolete from your mind, won't you grow attached to what you have somehow?"

She set aside her cup, that I noticed, was empty now, and stood in front of the fortress. "When I sent my only child to an endless sleep, and myself into this place to seek protection of all places, never has it crossed my mind that it will be possible one day to return to the world above. To see a day without Harkon plotting my end, without clansmen to be wary of." She paced, as she always does. Then she looks at me, "to think all this was possible because of you."

A small smile tugged at my lips. "I am honored."

"Bah!" She rolls her eyes, but smiles back at me. "You've become a daughter to me as much as Serana has been. Once I imagined you coming over to visit, but not like this."

She gestured at my appearance. I can only look down on myself.

"Had I known, I would have turned you if only to keep you away from the world that consumed you."

There was softness in her otherwise steely gaze. Quickly, she turned away and looked back at the fortress.

"I heard you bore children."

"Two I took in, two I birthed."

She sat back beside me and with bright eyes, faced me fully.

"Tell me all about them."

* * *

 _"Dovahkiin."_

Even with eyes closed, I would recognize this voice. Even if I am dreaming, if I am drowning, I would. With this voice, I know only one reason why he's here.

 _"Drem Yol Lok."_

"How the tables have turned, _mal gein_. Once, it was you who sought me."

I opened my eyes into the familiar heavens of Sovngarde, before fully addressing my visitor.

"He's come of age, I presume?"

"You presume correct."

In a blink, in the presence of the hulking dragon perched on this hill with me, a man robed as the Greybeards appeared. He knelt beside me and tilted his head up in the skies.

"The _mal drog_ misses his _monah_ , but has become an effective leader without her guiding hand."

"Pleasant news."

"Your _ahmul_ , even in his old age, grow overprotective of your _brit mal gein_." He looks at me then, small smile in his face. "She grows more and more like you."

"Unsure if that is pleasant news, _zeymah_."

Brief laughter was exchanged, and somehow, it helped me feel as light as Valerica did.

"Your first boy, Alesan," he spoke, with distinct pride coloring his features, "now leads your army. Your _ahmul_ was the one who gave him your sword. You would have loved to see it."

A prick jolted through my chest, as if suddenly my heart is tender. Tender, and ten times bigger for my chest.

"Little Sofie welcomed her first-born a week before. I'd have come to inform you, but..."

I reached out to his hand and squeezed it.

"There is another thing you need to know." Paarthurnax said, his eyes betraying a shadow of forthcoming. "And I find myself reluctant to leave his side despite our agreement."

He held both my hands, as though holding me down lest I be carried away by whatever spills out from his lips.

"During your son's coronation... the moment he sat on his throne; the _dovahyol_ , dragonfires, came back to life."

* * *

Time was irrelevant then, but now it feels like sand slipping past one's fingers. A sudden fear blanketed me and stayed with me even after the elder dragon's departure. I found myself frequenting the hill now, a place where I now try to commune with gods who have placed me in peril to fulfill a prophecy. Gods, who now might do the same to my flesh and blood.

Day after day of my perceived time awareness each moment I raise myself from bed, I would cross the Whalebone bridge and beseech the gods for their mockery of the efforts I have put forth to save this world and the next. For the salvation of my children that they may not live through the bloodshed as I have.

Day after day the disapproval on Tsun's face greets me before and after my prayers, but he lets me pass as I go. Closely affiliated to gods, he probably knows the uselessness of my hope, but I don't let it discourage me.

I can't remember for how many days this has been a routine, until prior to exiting the bridge, a battle axe blocked the path.

"Dragonborn." His terse tenor cutting through the empty air. "You forget yourself."

As to a child caught misbehaving by a parent, I stood feeling thoroughly chastised. For what, I don't know. Perhaps an instrument of the gods can make you feel this way once spoken to.

"Wandering about, you forsake Shor's gift to the hardships you have endured in the mortal plane!"

In a swift motion, he tilted the blade to my direction, and swung broadly. All I can do is leap backwards, and missed by inches a possible grave injury.

"I found you worthy to pass, yet here in despair you mope━have I judged you wrongly?"

He took another step forward and swung downwards; to which I side-stepped to safety. In my hands I felt coldness surge, though I cannot recall summoning mana in this fight. Determination shone in the shield-thane's eyes━a realization that I am forced to battle resurfaced.

He didn't show any signs of stopping. Instead, he brought his arms up once more to prepare for another attack.

Two ice spikes in the torso did not slow down the gatekeeper; in fact he charged on, full speed━

 _"Fus!"_

He stumbled back, grip tighter on his battle axe. Lifting his head to look down on me, a battle cry rung and he charged once more. Casting runes of lightning after another seemed to affect him━and the surrounding flora with it.

Soon, the scent of burnt grass wafted, along with the smell of dirt. Only for me, I'm guessing, as I'm knocked down the ground with the god's foot firmly holding me down with my face to the ground.

"Rid Sovngarde of the soul-snare you did, defeated the World-Eater you have, yet your soul weep for those whose battle have not reared its head upon the horizon!"

Tears stung, but they came anyway, and washed the grime on my face. "What's wrong in fearing for the worst?" I asked, as though pleading in the face of the gods I pray to everyday. "You do not understand━"

"But I do."

The foot planted on my back seemed to deepen me into the ground, as though burying me in my trespasses.

"You forget yourself; no longer are you the last Dragonborn."

Somehow, the truth felt deeper than the foot holding me down.

"Have you not fulfilled your destiny?"

Perhaps I have known all along...

"Have you not had enough blood in your hands?"

... and simply refused to acknowledge it.

"Paved the way you have, and no longer is the line of Alessia extinct. The journey has not been kind to you, nor fair, but withstand it you did. A fulfilling life you've led, and here lain what the gods ransom you.

Worthy of the challenge you've been, and passage I have offered you."

With his foot out of the way, I am now able to roll over and face the sky with blurry eyes. Swirling in it's beauty, it felt closer now than it was atop that hill. As if silently beckoning me, to where I don't know, but I wish not to the next life.

Not yet.

Hoisting myself up and a cry of my own, I flung myself into battle; this time, to bring down the shield-thane and prove more than my worth.

* * *

I sat once more, atop the hill I've grown fond of, just to stare up at the heavens. No utterances this time, no silent vigils. Tsun below, if I look at him sometimes, glance occasionally up there as well. I guess the charm goes for everyone.

I refused to hear it before, but if I sit still, the wind carries more than the cold. It carries voices as well, from distant lands, from the lives I once chanced upon. They were prayers, but I quickly caught on that only when I am mentioned do I hear them.

I glanced once more to the god on his guard below. Was this how he felt, hearing my prayers back then?

"Britte came to my doorstep today," a voice came by once, "She and I grew apart since being adopted by two different people. We're both three and twenty, and long past girlish squabbles. She told me the Empress has died, but she has been dead for years now, so I told her. She said father is dead too, but he's been dead since we were eleven, so I told her that too.

And then she wept, she told me, 'Britte is dead,' but you're here with me, I said. She kissed both my cheeks, and sobbed still. She wrapped me in a hug. 'Britte was a horrible sister, I was a horrible sister to you,' she said."

Right then, I swore I smelt tears in the air.

"...Wherever the Dragonborn is, be it enslaved by numerous Daedric princes she cavorted with, or miraculously━in Sovngarde, I hope she's happy. So her ghost will stop haunting me at nightfall when I'm all alone. I have been rid of wolf-blood, yet for years that followed, there has been no peace in my sleep."

A pause. A sigh.

"No, I hope she found peace. I hope when the day comes, I will see her, and take part in her peace as well."

A pause. Then a last breath.

Days after, I found Vilkas among the sour-faced fellows who preferred the shadows in the Hall.

* * *

The whispers kept on. I wonder if some prayers, like giving strength to someone about to enter the halls of the Companions in hopes of joining their ranks, can be answerable. I wonder how? I gave a glance to Tsun below. As if hearing my thoughts, he looked up and gave me a harsh scrutiny before averting gaze.

I guess no answers from him.

"Mother," I heard one voice. It was deep, I have never heard this voice before. Then again, I never lived to see my firstborn's eleventh nameday...

I firmly closed my eyes, lest I disappoint the shield-thane once more with melancholy.

"Father is dying." A strangled sob, and the voice was no more.

Quickly I stood and descended that hill. A nice walk around should do my nerves good, right? So I thought, but the pounding in my chest only grew more urgent.

"Mother," a girl's voice called out, "mother..." It was continuous. A chant, if you grant, of a young girl calling out for her mother.

A child I left, a child I never got to hold━a child I only beheld with my eyes. Crying for me, as she did the moment I brought her to the world. A hand over my mouth, I did my best to suppress an otherwise loud cry, as I try not to crumble beneath the statues guarding the entrance to this realm.

 _'I failed her.'_

Every moment she needed me, I was never there for her. From the moment she breathed her first, until she breathes her last, I will never be there for her.

 _'I'm sorry.'_

If I thought of it, my epitaph must have been amusing.

 _The Last Dragonborn, Arch-Mage to the C_ _ollege of Winterhold, Thane to all Nine Holds across Skyrim, a Legate of the Imperial Legion now_ _hailed the Empress to the Ruby Throne, victor of the Second Great War_ ━ _vanquish_ _ed at childbed._

The humor however, is lost on me.

* * *

"Elaira."

I opened my eyes, but my lids felt heavy that I can only muster to open it halfway.

"Do not cry."

As if on cue, I started hearing someone hiccuping.

"Think of it as me rejoining your mother."

"Y-you're not Nord..."

"I know."

A knock.

"The High King is here to see you━"

I heard a door swinging open that its hinges creak in protest.

"You can't die yet, you fool! The war is━"

A cough. Followed by a deep sigh.

"It is over, Ulfric."

"I am organizing a coup if you die, I swear it. Will you die easy knowing your son's throne will be usurped?"

A quiet laughter.

"You jest, at a time like this."

A familiar sound of someone unsheathing a sword rang.

"If... if you hurt my family," a hiccup, "I will... I will c-cut you from where you stand!"

Silence.

Then, a booming laughter that was familiar once.

"Truly her mother's daughter."

A hum of approval.

"Elaira, please see to it that the High King is well-fed and rested, the journey from Skyrim is not an easy road to an old Nord."

"Why you━"

"But father...!"

"I have some prayers to say, please."

And the door quietly shut afterwards.

"Elaira."

I closed my eyes, hoping the absence of my sight with strengthen my hearing.

"Throughout the years people have said you're the second coming of Talos; reuniting the Empire and eventually leading it." A cough. "When you abandoned the Jagged Crown to wear the Ruby one I had thought you're a woman of vast ambitions. When you married me to keep this throne because I was all the Empire could offer, I thought you worse than Ulfric. I thought I'm going to see the Empire get corrupted from within once more. But you proved me wrong.

Seeing you atop that red dragon on war with the Elves gave way to something I could only name reverence. A legend in flesh. Seeing you adapt and flourish in court gave way to respect. Seeing you uphold your end in what might become a loveless marriage, well. They said you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but here I am, eight years after your depart, still..."

A coughing fit. It made me frantic, as though the confession is going to make my heart burst. I sped across my room to pour myself water, and downed it all in one go. Running a hand over my hair, I paced the room, as I waited for whatever comes next. All I heard was a door bursting open...

...and Gormlaith Golden-Hilt's excited face peering in.

"You've got to see this."

* * *

 _It was Mara that first gave birth to all of creation and pledged to watch over us as her children._

The Hall of Valor was almost empty, with just a few drunken heroes deep in their cups to be woken up. I guess things can change, given enough time. By the great doors however, stood a lone figure.

 _It is from her love of us that we first learned to love one another._

"Vilkas."

"Elaira."

He stood, fists clenching and unclenching by his sides, a habit I've seen throughout the years when I was a Companion. And later on, when I was Harbinger, I would know this is his...

"What's going on?" I ask, taking unhurried steps towards his direction.

 _It is from this love that we learn that a life lived alone is no life at all_.

His hands stop moving. He addresses me with those grey eyes, made more striking by that dark warpaint. It shows the storm he's trying to weather from within.

"You bid me well, the last we spoke," he said, "you made me Harbinger, which is what I have wanted for a long time. When I had it, I realized it was not what I desired."

My throat felt parched, as his eyes seemed to bore holes in my person with its intensity.

"Unfortunately I realized it too late, and found you in the arms of another man already."

He quietly crossed the distance between us, and held my hand to drop something on it.

"My last years were spent longing for what I cannot have." His smile was woeful at best, but he gave it all the same. "Perhaps I will meet you again in the life after this."

He closed my hand around whatever it is he placed there, and stepped back.

"But for now, I have to let you go."

It was only when the door swung shut that my mind registered he left, so I made a dash for it, to say something back, _anything_.

 _We gather here today, under Mara's loving gaze, to bear witness to the union of two souls in eternal companionship._

The door opened, but a thick crowd of people blocked the path.

 _'He couldn't have ran off that fast... right?'_

I tried to force my way through the throng, but yet another different sight welcomed me at the end of it.

 _May they journey forth together in this life and the next, in prosperity and poverty, and in joy and hardship._

Whoever it was that Tsun is beating down, they're taking it very well.

The crowd was loud; even Ysgramor isn't shying away from betting.

"As expected from the likes of them," Gormlaith said, seemingly finding her way to my side so easy, "They can take a lot, but can they give a lot back?"

The shield-thane's swinging became slower, his breathing a bit more labored. Whatever tactic this newcomer is applying, it's working well.

"Why are we here gathered outside, tossing bets?" I found myself asking, "couldn't we have waited inside to welcome whoever passes through Tsun?"

The blonde warrior threw her head back in loud laughter. "Pray tell, Dragonborn, in all the years you've spent in Sovngarde, how often do you see Imperials attempting to cross the bridge?"

 _Imperial?_

I forced my way through once more, with Gormlaith in tow, as the crowd seemed eager to see the outcome for themselves and gathered in front. Clad in the general's red and gold wrought armor, I almost couldn't believe my eyes.

Barely did I register my jaw closing when the blonde warrior beside me did it for me. Turning to her, she raised an eyebrow in question. "Someone you know?"

I didn't even feel myself clenching my fists too hard until something bid at my palm. Opening it, the sight of an amulet of Mara shone in the delicate light of the heavens above.

"You fought well. I find you worthy." Tsun's voice echoed, and the crowd replied with loud cheer.

I couldn't stop my feet if I had tried, but right now I've no desire to.

"I'm glad I never crossed swords with you when you were younger." I found myself blurting out, over deep breaths to ease the drum thumping of pulse in my ears.

A slight smile was all I got. He sheathed his blade and turned to the shield-thane.

"Well fought," he said, to which the larger man nodded in reply.

As if on cue, this awfully familiar man, now as if his old years melted away, made his way towards _me_.

"What are you..." All questions, all the things I have saved up, to say to this person, seemingly died at my throat, like my confidence at the moment.

Some steps away, he stops. I thought it was in wonder of the Whalebone bridge, or how deep the fall a misstep can cause, when the noisy crowd behind me slowly filed their way back in, in retreating silence. I look back and there Gormlaith stood, almost dragging the valued warriors of Shor back into his Hall.

I turn back to him and he's looking at me the way he did on the day we wed.

"I didn't expect to get this far," was the confession in the air.

"I didn't expect to see you here," was all I can reply.

It was quiet once more. I looked around once more━even Tsun can't be found in his usual post.

 _'Should I be worried or...?'_

He cleared his throat.

 _Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?_ **  
**

"I do, now and forever."

I stood, once more slack jawed with no blonde warriors to close it for me.

"Is this the part where I act the jilted lover and curse your name to the heavens?" He asked, a dark brow raised, but on his lips graze the slightest smile.

Managing to cough out a laugh, I steeled my nerves and crossed the space between us.

 _"I do, now and forever."_

* * *

 **Fin.**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

1\. Had to write it out for the idea won't leave me be.

2\. Some commit to lore, some parts are of my imagination.

3\. I suggest listening to this while reading though; watch?v=THLNjSS9bGY I just finished the game, 10/10 would suggest you all to play it.

4\. Thank you for reading!

* * *

 **Translations to the dragon language used:**

 _mal gein_ \- little one; _mal drog_ \- little lord; _monah_ \- mother; _ahmul_ \- husband

 _brit_ \- beautiful; _zeymah_ \- brother; _dovahyol_ \- dragonfire

* * *

 **Disclaimer:**

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim®

© 2011 Bethesda Softworks LLC, a ZeniMax Media company. The Elder Scrolls, Skyrim, Bethesda, Bethesda Game Studios, Bethesda Softworks, ZeniMax and related logos are registered trademarks or trademarks of ZeniMax Media Inc. in the U.S. and/or other countries. All Rights Reserved.


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